


En Plein Air

by PseudoFox



Category: George Michael (Musician), Zootopia (2016)
Genre: Anthropomorphic, Bisexual Male Character, Comedy, Drama, Furry, Gay Male Character, Homosexuality, Humor, Major Original Character(s), Male Homosexuality, Minor Original Character(s), Multi, Original Character(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-19
Updated: 2017-03-19
Packaged: 2018-10-07 18:02:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10366323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PseudoFox/pseuds/PseudoFox
Summary: Zootopian police officers Judy Hopps and Nick Wilde idly chat as a happy spring day seems to come to an end. Tickets to see international pop super-star George Michael later that night seem to be the icing on the cake. Yet a peculiar radio message about camping and other outdoors fun will interrupt their plans in a great many ways.





	

**Somewhere on the outskirts of Zootopia, several months after the events of the Bellwether incident...**

"Baby!" Judy Hopps crooned, smiling from cheek to cheek, "I know you're asking me to stay! Say please— please, _please,_ don't go away! You say I'm giving you the blues?"

Nick Wilde banged his paws upon the dashboard. The big SUV smoothly slipped along the highway as they came upon a big bridge. With few other cars in sight and barely an hour to go before their shift ended, the two police officers felt on top of the world.

"Yes," Judy sang on, feeling the soulful pop music enveloping her, "I gotta have—"

" _Faith!_ " The partners opened their mouths wide as they turned to each other, slapping their paws together triumphantly.

"And this is the part," Judy remarked, shifting the gears as she moved the car down an off-ramp, "where the music video spends something like a full minute with the camera focused... right. On. His. Butt." She punctuated each word by smacking the steering wheel.

"That's why he's done for LGBT mammals what Gazelle did for pred-prey couples," murmured Nick, the fox hunting at the bottom of his bag for the last bit packet of cicada sauce.

"Yep."

"Of course, carrots," Nick said, taking a sip of his BugBurga soda, "I think him and Gazelle prove that the difference between a mere singer-songwriter and a full-blown sensation is what the fans see when the stars bend over."

"Just think about it," Judy added. She moved the car onto a little side street and then turned into a massive parking lot. "There's a reason why there's a 'max' in the term 'Gluteus Maximus', right?"

"Whatever you say, carrots. I know that you can't wait. Neither can I. Barely a few hours now until the concert."

"Give me a second," the rabbit said, halting the SUV, "I need to toss all of this BugBurga stuff before we put the car back in the station. You know that Chief Bogo has been riding our behinds—"

"And not in the fun way!" Nick interjected with a laugh.

"About every little sauce stain, wayward sweet potato fry, or whatever the hell else we leave in these new patrol cars," continued Judy. She glanced over and saw the fox preparing some other snarky line. The rabbit playfully punched fox in the arm. 

Nick put on a brave face. The bunny still didn't know her own strength, making him wonder if he might have a bruise growing. Still, he forced himself to smile.

"Just a moment," Judy said. She promptly flopped out of the SUV and headed to the side of the parking lot, eyeing the closest trash bin.

"Hey, carrots!"

"What?" Judy's ears perked as she glanced over.

"I'll be serious for a moment. We talked about relaxed late night plans, didn't we? Well, I bet you the price of after-concert dinner that the next radio station over— yes, the nutty hard rock one— is playing George Michael songs _too_."

Judy gestured back with her free paw. "You're on!"

"Oh, hey, I wonder what kind of trouble is happening at this hour," Nick murmured, seeing some action on the SUV's radio.

Meanwhile, Judy stopped and let the cool spring breeze waft over her. She thought about how it would feel just as great in the nearby amphitheater— smooth sensations bathing the crowd as the exceptional sounds of George Michael would begin. She’d always wanted to see him live. With a long and arbitrary hook-up through Nick’s peculiar set of acquaintances, she’d finally got her chance. Judy reminded herself that, mid-stadium seats being the cherished status symbol that they were, and she’d have to give a thanks to the squirrel ex-girlfriend of a fat weasel— the one that had phoned a roommate who just happened to work for Cowlumbia Records. Nick's cheerful attitude showed just how he loved the opportunity to see the pop mega-star as well.

"Uh, carrots, I've got an interesting question for you!" Nick called out, the fox slowly putting down his receiver. His entire body language had shifted from his normally light, playful self to a state of blank flatness. He pulled himself out of his casual lean in the back of the police car and put a paw upon the open door.

"What is it?" Judy replied. The bunny triumphantly shot her crumbled fast food bag in the air, posing for a split-second like a basketball star. It sailed over a patch of bushes and smacked right in the middle of the trash can. She turned back over to the car with a big smile.

"How's your French, carrots?" asked the fox.

"Nick, that's the weirdest intro to a bad joke that I've ever heard," Judy responded, hopping over to the big SUV.

She reached over for her cap in the front seat and placed it between her ears. The fox remained silent for a moment, merely locking eyes with his partner. Nick's vacant stare unnerved Judy enough that her excitement drained away, causing her to lean up against the car's tires.

"I'm serious," Nick replied.

"Alright, so, _seriously,_ why do you ask?"

"I've got one of _those calls._ Something odd from the 'Special Administrative Office' that everybody's heard of yet nobody really understands, except for Chief Bogo," Nick said, running a paw against the front of his spiffy uniform.

He looked genuinely confused for the first time in several weeks. Judy considered that the radio call might give them their first dangerous or otherwise unusual assignment in a while. After the fox hesitated, his mouth left open, the rabbit simply nodded back. Judy followed Nick's lead as they slid into the front seats of the car.

"Anyways," Nick went on, "it's not that they were particularly frantic or anything. They just seemed... 'bewildered', I guess, is the best way to put it. I overheard an argument between two officers that _kind of_ sounded like they wanted back-up. Yet it might have been just idle jabber that they accidentally broadcast."

"The hell?"

"One kept panting, over and over, but the other sounded way too relaxed."

"Wait," Judy remarked, pressing a paw against the car upholstery, "what does any of this have to do with France?"

"Some of the babbling sounded like soft-spoken Greek, but the clearest part, don't ask me why, was in French," replied Nick.

"I don't... know what to think. It's a peculiar thing to come in at this hour, when we're not the only mammals about to get off work," Judy said.

"I'm not saying that we should ignore it, but we could always see if somebody else—"

"I'm sure that we can get to the bottom of everything," Judy declared, her tone of voice showing that flash of determination that Nick had heard countless times, "it's our duty to make sure that they're okay— even there's only a small chance that they genuinely need help. You've already asking for more information, right?"

"Yeah," Nick said, "I... well, I radioed back several times, but I heard nothing. The last remark from them was about 'commotion' at the 'Piscine Extérieure' area." The fox put his keys into the ignition. "We're likely the closest other units—"

"Oh!" Judy interjected. She locked the doors as she pulled back into her seat. "That's the camping place, crammed with all of the open woods, big streams, buzzing bees, and more. They offer all of these outdoors-themed activities— I get advertisements from them mailed in all the time. This Hüu Jarss fellow that took it over has some kind of big plan for something-or-another."

"Yeah," Nick muttered.

"I'm surprised that you haven't heard of it. The place is just a stone's throw away from the open theater where we'll see Michael—"

"I know all _that_ , carrots," Nick remarked, raising an eyebrow. The fox moved the sedan out of the set of nondescript blocks over to a long and winding street. "The term 'Piscine Extérieure' means 'Outdoor Water Complex'. As I've said countless times, I know just about everyone and have been just about anyplace, what with all of the hustling—"

"You speak French?"

"A fair bit. It helped a lot in conning mammals. Whatever little thing that makes you sound more intellectual," Nick said.

"Could you make out any of the other radioed stuff in French? Or the Greek talk?" Judy asked, glancing over at Nick shifting the gears.

"The call was too garbled. The way in which it sounded... you know? The guys, these two large felines I believe, I'm positive that I've chatted with them before at the station," Nick commented. He twisted the car along a big turn, the partners going into what looked like a solid wall of towering evergreens. "Yet they were so unclear."

"You've already said a bunch of times that it didn't make sense. Please, though, run it all by me, word by word," Judy inquired.

"Started with quiet Greek rumblings I barely got. Something yelled out, too fast for me to understand, in French. Then, I heard a: 'I can't— it's worse than I'd imagined'. 'Stop acting like such a whiner', the other replied," Nick said. He sighed as his mind struggled to make sense of it.

"Ugh... my 'snipe hunt' senses are tingling. Still worth checking out, though."

"I heard that they had gone to a routine fire-stopping complaint, the campground's name being mentioned. 'Wow, it's like a nightmare come to life', the one dude remarked. 'Take a cold shower,' the other retorted. I picked up a garbled 'we may need more officers for this', and then more Greek slash French yelling took place," Nick went on. He scratched along his neck and made a big frown. "Again... ugh."

"It's like one of those holograms from those space adventure films, some lost princess calling out about 'the dark side of the furce has awakened' so 'evil vagueness is coming, beware," Judy remarked with a chuckle, "and then it all cuts out."

"The weirdest thing is that they did, though," Nick added, raising both eyebrows, "was the very last thing I heard. A guy gave a specific kind of administrative code for what laws had been broken."

"Oh?" Judy leaned over in her seat, ears perking at the fox.

"He said, his voice quivering as he tried to get it right, that we have a case of: 'en plein air'. He spelled it out exactly. I'm positive he didn't mean just 'in plain air'— he went through the letters, one by one."

"That's... odd."

"No kidding," Nick continued, "and I'm fairly rusty on anything that isn't either basic English or the traditional Fox language—"

"Nick, it's just 'in plain air'," Judy remarked. She pressed a paw against Nick's arm.

"No, carrots," the fox said, "the feline over the radio spelled out the exact—"

"Nick, that's what the French term means in English," Judy declared. The SUV slowed down, the partners facing off against a gigantic hill of sprawling bushes and little streams. Nick’s face turned sour as he looked for a place to pull off to park. 

"I don't get it.

"Seriously, it's identical. Both languages."

"Then just, well," Nick began. He stopped as he positioned the car in between a pair of massive rocks, the road having come to a complete end. "Why is that a bit of secret police code to begin with?"

"Normally, that's a bit of fancy speak they use for somebody painting outdoors. _'On dit d'une peinture qu'elle est réalisée sur le motif'..._ the creative-minded ideally capture events on canvas by instinct, not even doing first-step sketches."

"And the 'they' in that sentence—"

"Didn't I tell you? My tallest aunt and uncle from my dad's side are arts and crafts _fanatics_ — decorating everything from old fences to bakery signs to—"

"Still, though!" Nick slipped out of the car and went for the rabbit's door. "Why the hell would rogue artists be a matter for the police?"

"I’ve asked myself that a bunch of times!" Judy interjected, bouncing over to Nick's side. The two of them slammed the doors short and locked the SUV.

"If somebody's forging a fancy piece, obviously that would be the 'White Collar Crime' division, not us," Nick said. He idly snapped a pair of wayward sticks jutting out in front of him, a bit of irritation starting to shine through. "This had damn better not be another inter-office prank gone wrong."

"Only one way to find out. Time for a mini-adventure outdoors."

"Is it an ethnic thing?" Nick asked, finding his partner merely staring back at him. The fox pressed his paws against his temple. "Really, carrots, I've known a lot of eccentric mammals in my life, and it's matter of tradition for some to go pseudo-psychotic over 'high culture' stuff. Those tiger cops are full-blooded Mediterraneans, garlic-soaked midday pita snacks and all." Nick sighed loudly. "They're more into that than George Michael himself, weirdly-enough, and—"

"Hey, I didn't forget!" Judy called out.

"What are you talking about?" Nick raised an eyebrow. "Forget about what?"

"Turn on your smartphone radio," the rabbit commanded, pressing a paw against Nick's belly, "do it to that pissy hard rock station you mentioned earlier."

The fox duly pulled out the small black device and tapped it a few times. The partners locked eyes for several tense seconds. Finally, a tinny yet emotional voice burst through the silence of the forest.

"Wake me up! Before you go-go!"

"Aw, damn it!" Judy angrily stamped the ground.

"When you're done putting the 'jitterbug into my brain', carrots, I hope that you don't mind treating me to some pricey fish tacos after the concert."

Judy said nothing back, merely pointing at a vacant spot in the massive woods. The partners stepped away from the road and looked out in all directions, seeing nothing interesting. The song playing on Nick's device followed them into the underbrush for a good minute before growing quieter and quieter. As they came upon a big stream, the sound stopped completely.

"And... your smartphone's dead." Judy closed her eyes and took in a deep breath. "Mine passed on a while ago."

"Eh, we have our radios, don't we? The signal in this part of the campground sucked anyway."

"They're... _wait_ ," Judy said, leaning to the side and fumbling about her belt, "that makes no sense. Now, we’re not getting a signal _at all_. What's with that? Radio waves getting blocked by the damned _trees_ and _rocks_ or something?"

"Eh, the ZPD's new models are so finicky," Nick remarked, "they're as poised to snap as a vixen call-girl sitting in a rabbit's Sunday mass."

" _Nice analogy,_ " Judy sarcastically groused. She idly wandered around in a circle for a moment, letting the breeze flutter about her. A few leaves slipped down and fell beside her legs.

They walked silently for a moment. Nick glanced behind him, staring into layers upon layers of trees, and spied a round hole. He wondered if a certain sized mammal could crawl through it, though a layer of branches above the hole seemed to have been there for months if not years. Judy appeared more and more lost in thought with every step.

"Oh, there we are," Nick remarked. The two of them walked up onto a gravel-coated ledge. Before them, a worn but brightly painted sign read: 'Hüu Jarss reminds camp-goers that the map kiosk has moved. It's now located along the 'B' trail to your left.'

"Simple enough," Judy said. They stepped over a pair of squashed bushes. The fox wandered ahead while the bunny followed. The overgrown flora meant that the 'trail' existed in name only, and the partners didn't have to say a word to naturally stay close.

"Hell, Hüu Jarss himself may be there," Nick said, idly stretching out an arm through a batch of small saplings, "I'm sure that the guys at the campground central can help us find these wayward idiots."

**A few minutes later...**

As picturesque as the campground's forests appeared, the lack of any cleared path or sense of order made both officers rather irritated. They both wound up swatting at bugs and wondering out loud about why certain greenery had gotten placed in certain areas. Idle thoughts popped into their heads over what particular ethnicity— let alone species— Hüu Jarss would end up being. While their smartphones didn't work, the fox's watch stated that they still had a solid amount of time until they'd need to head to their pop concert.

"I will be your father figure," Judy murmured, waving her paws before her to the smooth tune stuck in her head, "put your tiny hands in mine." Her eyes seemed to flutter as she wafted into a mental George-Michael-land. "I will be the one who—"

"Carrots," Nick interjected, smugly smirking, "there's a certain lacking between your legs that makes _'fathering'_ somebody rather _difficult_."

"Hey," Judy retorted, bouncing atop an immense pile of rocks, "I'll have you know that we does make _perfect_ dads!"

"I'll take your word for it."

"And you'd _better_ not have some kind of joking 'Like Jesus to a Child' reference coming," the rabbit went on, defiantly prodding the fox's shoulder.

"I wouldn't—"

The bunny leaped straight up and pointed above Nick's head. "Look!" Judy cried out.

Before the fox had time to react, the rabbit hopped into a maze of tall, moss-coated rocks. The fox sucked in a deep breath and sped right after her. It only took a minute or so before they'd ventured off-path, deep into the camping complex, with all manner of thick greenery stretching out above them.

"Carrots, please!" Nick yelled up ahead of him. The bunny leaped on top of a stump and turned, meeting eye to eye with her partner.

"I don't believe it!" Judy exclaimed, her head shifting about as she looked in all directions.

"Tell me what the hell you saw, please?" Nick asked.

"It was a cop, a short, skinny tiger that I kind of recognized," Judy replied, pausing to wipe the sweat off her face, "but I can't confirm that it was one of the 'Special Administrative Office' guys."

"Carrots, your face is turning pale," Nick said, the fox starting to worry.

"It was so weird... so peculiar... like my eyes were playing tricks on me..."

"Please, just spit it out." Nick stopped for a moment, leaning up against a thick maple tree, as he gasped for breaths.

"It looked like a cop, but... but..."

"But what?"

"He wasn't wearing any pants!"

" _Oh._ "

Nick sat flatly on the stump beside Judy. The rabbit leaned her head back and let out an exasperated noise. She gripped her ears with both paws and stared over at Nick.

"So, I guess the 'Naturalist Club' mammals," the fox said, sheepishly kicking the massive bush beside him, "decided to play around outdoors for once. And our French slash Greek friends either are part of it, came across it by accident, or both. Carrots, believe me, this is completely shocking news to me as much as it is to you—"

"It's _a crime_ , Nick, but that's not _the half_ of it—"

"Camping sites are still subject to 'public decency' rules, even if everything is _way_ outdoors—"

"Listen to me!" The rabbit bonked her head against Nick's side. "What gets me most is how he appeared out of nowhere! And I lost him in just the same way!"

"We _really,_ " Nick began, "need to get back to our car. Forget trying to find campground central. We call the rest of the ZPD and ask them if they've any clue what to do about fellow officers 'going native'. We send a whole small army over here to sort things out, especially since our own damned shifts are supposed to end—"

"What the hell does this all mean, though?" Judy asked. The fox stretched out his legs as far as he could and sighed. This just made the rabbit feel even more manic.

"You got me," Nick remarked,

"I can't pretend that I'm able to stand seeing that creep's feline thing flopping in the wind— like some kind of R-rated pinwheel!"

"I get it—"

"What's more, really, _how_ did he possibly pop into existence like that? Springing like a magical fairy out of a patch of mushrooms! And as soon as I got two feet away from him, poof! He vanished into thin air!”"

"I shouldn't say this, but... I'm reminded of what I heard about strange spirits haunting campers when they're spending time outdoors," Nick murmured. His mind flashed back to various stories that he'd heard in his Ranger Scouts days before that one, horrible incident."

"Well, that damn feline's tiny, wrinkly balls will ' _haunt_ ' me for sure, now!" Judy grabbed her ears again in raw frustration. "We need to get the hell out of here! This 'Naturalist Club' nonsense is nothing like real camping, Nick! _Real_ outdoors stuff, community bonding with serious affection, has been a tradition in my family for generations—"

"And mine," spoke a voice from directly behind the partners.

Judy and Nick both flung their bodies around. They stared with eyes wide open as they witnessed a tall gazelle— the waning sunlight shining across his elegant figure— posing next to a skinny oak tree. The mammal stood as naked as the day that he was born. What struck the cops a thousand times more dramatically than the mere nudity, however, was the tiny ewe kneeling in between the gazelle's legs.

The fox and rabbit's eyes locked on the sheep's sloppy wet tongue. Rubbing it against the gazelle's long erection with total abandonment, the ewe had entered a state of pure bliss. In just a matter of seconds, the tall creature had reached a pinnacle of pure pleasure. Thick globs of sticky warm oozed out of the gazelle's thing into the ewe's open mouth.

Despite the sheep's loving attention, the gazelle's shivering body remained poised against the tree. His gaze still narrowly focused upon the two police officers. The smug expression featured such graceful confidence that he might as well have had a halo hovering right above his head.

"Couldn't you have just had sex by yourselves," Judy finally murmured, "did you really have to force us to watch?"

"You're... wait..." Nick squeaked, the fox experiencing an emotional roller coaster that he could barely ride, "I swear that I've... seen you before..."

"Camping's been a tradition in my family for generations," the gazelle declared, leaning down and gripping the ewe by the shoulders, "as has it been for Ms. Renee Cormo here. And for you, Lieutenant Foxy Butt." He winked at Nick. "And for you, Lieutenant Cottontail." He then winked at Judy.

"I can't understand you nudist mammals at all," Judy muttered, I guess you might all be so left-wing, so progressive, that you've got to live out your politics like this? Is it an internet meme gone horribly wrong? Some kind of perverted... cult-like appeal..." She trailed off as her eyes narrowed upon the lanky mammal's seductive hips.

"You should listen to me, dear maiden. I speak the truth. Before civilization, of course," the gazelle declared, "all of us lived in a state of equilibrium. Purity. Balance. Unity. Once we finally abandoned the predator and prey distinctions, yes, the golden age began of co-habitation and co-operation. No marriages. No sexual orientations. No lines or categories: just raw, passionate love-making without the slightest care."

He effortlessly picked the ewe right up and held her against his chest like a mere doll. His half erect thing kept dripping upon the grass as he stepped closer. Judy and Nick couldn't help thinking that he looked like some kind of a mythological demi-god— every minute step expressing such fancy poise as well as raw strength.

Their instincts screamed at them to jump on the lanky mammal and arrest him. Yet they couldn't move. The sheer sight before them seemed to turn their insides into jelly. The gazelle's radiant erection might have well been sculpted from solid gold.

"I'm so pleased," the gazelle gave a little laugh as he continued, "to spy yet another set of 'pretty policemammals' to join our little soirée. Hüu Jarss stated that he'd invited quite a few of you"

"Oh, God, I know now!" Nick interjected. He tried to raise an accusatory arm and point, but it merely twitched. "You're _the_ Gazelle's cousin. The... the male version... Ellezag!"

"Guilty as charged, you orange-furred angel," Ellezag remarked, kissing the air in Nick's direction.

"The hell are you doing _here?_ You'll be... opening for George Michael in less than two hours," the fox murmured, "at least, you _would've_ done that, but now we'll have to arrest you."

"You know what happened to the two feline officers, don't you?" Judy asked.

"They're probably bathed in warm male love juice, lying in a patch of shimmering tulips," Ellezag answered, "experiencing enlightenment as soon as they heard Hüu Jarss' 'careless whisper', yes—"

"It's like this is a nightmare that I'll never wake up from!" Judy yelled out. She smacked her paws against her cheeks as she rapidly shook her head. "Lamb of God, if Jarss is just another name for... for... I feel so stupid—" She shut her eyes tightly. "I wrote him a personal letter! Saying that I'd take every last of my brothers and sisters to camp with him here, for crying out loud!"

"Bisexual sibling incest? _Kinky,_ " Ellezag remarked with a chuckle. The gazelle began walking over to the officers.

"No, not another step!" Nick called out, standing up straight with a paw in the air. A burst of conviction forced some steel into his spine.

"Why not?"

"Because we're _actual_ cops, and we take this all seriously! This isn't just fetish gear on our bodies!"

"Realism is a nice kink," Ellezag said, still coming closer.

"Nick, do something!" Judy yelled. She felt as if she had been paralyzed by the stare of Medusa— only, instead of a snake-haired maiden, she witnessed the raw horror that was an ever approaching dick.

"Stop! Seriously, stop pointing that thing—" Nick tried not to stare at the gazelle's crotch yet again, merely gesturing downward. "At us like some kind of weapon, like a cannon about to fire another time—"

"Like I said, why not?" Ellzag slipped the ewe to the side and leaned her body against a batch of stones. "That's why you beauties are at the annual 'En plein air' for, aren't you?"

"I don't even swing that way, you know," Nick remarked, closing his eyes as he let some frustration flow in his voice, "and she's—"

"Lamb of God!" Judy called out. Her mind didn't even know how to begin to process what was going on. "Nick, _you have a gun_ , remember?"

"Oh, maybe you're both looking for a howler or some other predator, eh? If I'm not your taste, well, Jarss himself is still here. Just take the southeast tunnel in the grass behind you, and the big ol' wolf responsible for this all has his batch of tents—"

"Shut up and stop moving!" Nick reached for his tranquilizer gun. His eyes bulged out, a waft of even stronger emotions flashing over him, he raised the weapon against his belly.

"Lamb of God!" Judy repeated, screaming out those at the top of her lungs. Nick remained silent for a moment, glaring at a little pit with a few branches over it beside him.

"Weapon-play isn't really my thing, foxy butt. Why not simply slip off the bottom halves of those uniforms right now?" Ellezag slapped his hooves against his tender hips and let out a long, low moan. "In Greek, 'Kalí óreksi'? In French, 'Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?"

Nick pressed the trigger. A long, tense half minute of absolutely nothing followed. The fox shut his eyes, letting the weapon slip right out of his paws, and gritted his teeth. A small hissing noise came out of the weapon as it hit the ground, a thick cracks bursting in its plastic sides. "I'm going to choke whoever in the ZPD decided to use sheep-made products."

"I've got to say that all of this fighting back has been the greatest foreplay ever," Ellezag remarked. His look turned almost demonic as he threw his head back, letting out a torrent of hearty laughs. "But it's time to _really_ get started." He poised with a hoof upon his erection, prepared to fire off his own pseudo-gun at the fox's face.

"Carrots, duck and jump behind you," Nick declared, leaping onto a patch of moss away from the tall mammal. The gazelle's eyes had seemingly turned back, mouth wide open, with the creature falling into some kind of exotic trance. Despite out numbering him two to one, the officers couldn't help but feel themselves awash in fear.

"What? Nick, I—"

"Into the southeast tunnel! Now!"

The bunny took a gulp and flipped her body over. She twisted in the air and hurled herself into the pit. Nick immediately followed. Finding themselves in a miniature cave, the mammals scurried as fast as they could. They came to a sudden wall of rock and sped themselves downward, moving by instinct alone. The laughter of the lecherous creature still followed them— the noises echoed off of the densely packed earth and seemed to assault them from all sides.

When they finally escaped the rippling sounds, the mammals came upon the back of an immense waterfall. A solid wall of liquid pouring out beside them, they let themselves stop to suck in deep breaths. Judy looked up at Nick, hoping to find some kind of strength in his eyes. Yet the fox appeared as clueless and overcome as the rabbit.

**Several minutes later...**

"The plan, then, is that we get to whatever outskirts of the campgrounds we can, knowing that as soon as we reach a regular house, gas station, or whatever else we'll radio for help," Nick said. He slipped over to the side and sniffed at the air. "Yet we need to be careful since a lot of these kinksters are apparently playing cop dress-up. And those feline morons are still around, somewhere."

"I thought I was going crazy when that tiger disappeared, just a second or two after I'd just seen him," Judy remarked.

"At least, these tunnels explain how they pop in and out of places," Nick said, coming to a stop, "another dead end?" He groaned loudly as he ran his paws against his neck. "Ugh, I'll bet that they're using these not just for transportation but for playing being trapped. Set-ups so that a pseudo-victim can have anonymous screwings with somebody behind them?"

"Yeah, we need to be pretty cautious, even down here, "Judy remarked. Her nose twitched as she came between a division in the tunnel. It took a while for a particularly 'safe' seeming scent to waft in her direction. "This way."

"You don't have to tell me twice, carrots."

"Nick, though, uh..." Judy hesitated for a moment, reaching a small crevasse allowing her to peek out. "Are we acting crazy, here? This is beyond freaky, I know. Still, all the guy did was demand that we have sex with him, and the two of us could have just socked him right in the jaw. Planning to simply get the hell out and let ZPG central handle things feels—"

"Carrots, in pure honesty," Nick remarked, sighing, "I just didn't want to have to keep staring at his dripping dick."

A burst of noises sounded off above them, some kind of naughty commotion creating loud moan after loud moan. Judy shrugged as she scurried down yet another tunnel. Nick scratched bits of dried dirt off of his face and quickly followed.

"I don't want to sound judgmental, here," Judy said, wiggling her tail as she came upon a path going straight up.

"Carrots, we're stuck together underground beneath a weird camping complex," Nick dryly remarked, "you can sound like whatever you want."

"Well," the rabbit went on, cautiously climbing upwards, " _you're_ the one that's been friends with the naturalists all of these years, knowing their little club and everything. It's odd that you're now _just_ as freaked out as me. Haven't you seen literally hundreds of stranger's erections and worse by now?"

"Ugh, Judy," Nick groused, scraping clumps of dirt off of his backside, "there's quite a difference between nude relaxation in private within the big city itself, with rules and traditions, and a full-blown outdoors orgy that's public, where mammals proposition you even if you don't swing that way."

"Fair enough," the rabbit replied. She came upon a smattering of branches above her. "This is the last time to be accusatory, after all. We didn't know what we were getting into."

"Besides, they're French," Nick sneered, "how typical. Damn Frenchies."

"I've got to point out that 'Hüu Jarss' seems more like... maybe Swiss-y? German-y? Or one of those with a smattering of Greek, I think," Judy commented. She slid a paw against an ear as Nick glared at her. "Just saying."

"Damn Frenchies and damn Greeks, then. Frog-eating jerks with these wine-sucking, toga-wearing losers."

"Nick, they're naked, that's kind of the whole... inspiration for the orgy... thing," Judy trailed off. She shot her paws upward and shoved away the branches.

"Okay, fine, I don't actually care either," Nick remarked, scratching all over himself, "I watched a lot of World War II action films growing up, and I'm not interested in updating my pejorative slang."

"I thought the French and the Greeks were the good guys in that one. Losing so many to those marauding Prussian kitties and their 'master race' nonsense—"

"Dear God!" Nick groaned loudly. "I've got _zero_ interest in getting into a historical debate right now. We've got plenty of cause for the ZPD to George Michael and his friends, as much as it kills me to say it, for 'conspiracy to commit salacious acts' and more. We need to escape and tell everybody this."

"Agreed completely."

"See anything?" Nick tried to poke his head behind Judy's, the fox awkwardly bracing his paws upon the dirt walls.

"Thankfully, nothing," Judy replied, "just the middle of an empty tent with its front zipped open. Even out there, it's just empty forest."

"It's about time we had some good luck, carrots."

The partners slid themselves upward, tossing their bodies onto the flat canvas, and sighed happily. They both scraped bits of dirt off of their uniforms before sitting up, eyeing each other. It had gotten somewhat dark outside, but the sun still shone strong enough. Despite this, the nondescript woods before them gave no clue of where exactly they are.

"I'm damn sick of wandering about. You think that we'll find a camping map in here, somewhere?" Judy asked.

Nick nodded back. She scurried around the bottom of the tent, finding nothing but various pieces of clothing as well as the occasional belt or shoe. Nick diligently checked the pockets of several coats, having no luck either.

"It's times like these when I tend to come up with some idea," Nick remarked, scraping a far corner of the tent for a moment. He stared blankly at the waves of fabric above his head. Various little tears in the canvas dotted the area above a batch of discarded jackets, but nothing looked particularly amiss. It seemed like just another tent that he'd seen— being sold in any generic apartment store to families looking for outdoors fun.

"Fantastic!" Judy grabbed a particular wide sneaker and held out a crumbled paper that'd been lodged in its sole. "I'm glad that this is almost all over, you know?"

"Me too," Nick replied, watching as the rabbit delicately straightened the map. The fox leaned back against a stack of thick jackets and stretched his arms out. "This is a day with enough stupid surprises already—"

A throbbing hard erection poked through one of the canvas holes. Nick felt himself in a kind of out-of-body experience, his eyes bulging wide, as he accidentally grazed the edge of the shaft with an arm. The mammal outside let out a loud, sharp yell at the quick touch.

"Oh, you've got to be kidding me!" Judy exclaimed. It only took a matter of seconds before both fox and rabbit scurried across the tent floor over to the far corner. Erection after erection prodded through the various high spots torn in the canvas. They even seemed to follow the exasperated mammals.

"Carrots, do you hear music playing?" Nick asked. Sure enough, a familiar mix of pop and rock sounded off outside the tent. "Somebody's got a boombox! These idiots are—"

"It's... it's 'Faith'!" Judy hollered. Sure enough, the smooth crooning of a flamboyant gay male filled the entire tent. Nick looked about to panic. Judy's entire body twitched, the rabbit's ears drooping and buckteeth biting upon her lip. "Heaven help us!"

"Excuse me, Lieutenant Hippity-Hop," sounded off a mysterious voice. The officers both froze. The words appeared to come from quite a ways away— still being shot at them though like bullets fired from a faraway gun.

Nick raised an accusing paw and pointed at the side entrance of the tent. "Just what the—"

"Just in time!"

The officers watched as an immense wolf, limbs looking as large and strong as tree-trunks, burst into the tent. Sweat poured off of the nude creature's thick fur. He positioned himself in front of the row of erection-filled holes, and both Judy and Nick couldn't help but watch.

The wolf's paws flung through the air in twisting motions, looking somewhat like a drunken conductor starting a symphony, and brushed up against various thick lengths. His wide-open mouth slipped up to the longest erection, looking like it came from a particularly gifted horse, and began slobbering across inch after inch.

"You're... well... maybe..." Judy muttered, transfixed by the sight.

"Yes, ma'am?" the wolf asked, turning over to the rabbit. His supportive look and soft voice gave off an aura of politeness— even while a stiff erection slipped across his forehead and through his ears.

"George Michael," Nick declared, finding the strength to stand up straight and reach for a set of handcuffs, "as much as it physically pains me— a fan for years upon years— to say this: you're under arrest."

"Oh, my!" The wolf perversely grinned. The trail of pre-cum dripping along his cheek made the beleaguered fox feel even worse.

"We don't care how famous and how rich you are. You're going... to get jail time... for this, you, Mister Michael," Judy mumbled, shivering in worry even as she angrily poked the wolf's belly, "why... at least, community service—"

"I'd be more than happy to 'service' the 'community'," the wolf began, smiling from cheek to cheek.

Heaven help us, Judy thought, please don't let him complete the sentence.

_"But I already have."_

The wolf turned around and poised himself, standing on one leg as the various erections jutted out in the air behind him.

**Several months later...**

"So," Violet Hopps said, leaning into the side of her chair. The rabbit flipped through the various pages of her thick notepad. "I'm glad that you told me the entire story."

"The media never gives you the whole picture... showing what we cops have to deal with."

"Indeed."

"I hate thinking back to that terrible day. With you, though, it's fine," Judy remarked, pushing her head back against the edge of the couch. She felt glad that, at least, her therapist relative had the most stereotypical office possible— it frequently calming the police officer's nerves.

"And it _does_ explain the involuntary twitching—"

"I can just avoid the radio to not hear the horrible wolf's music. That's not all of it, though—"

"Your pain, especially when you hear words such as 'camping'—"

Judy's arm reflexively shot out into the air, clipping the nearby lamp. It wobbled in place, wiggling from side to side, before smashing upon the floor. Bits of the shattered glass lampshade stretched out atop the fancy reddish-brown rug.

Violet raised both eyebrows, clutching her pent to take down a quick note of her sister’s reaction. "Oh, my."

**The End**

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks very much for reading!
> 
> Well, I'm not going to pretend like this exactly makes sense. I'm a fan of George Michael, I'm a perverted bisexual, and I'm a fan of Zootopia. I decided to mix all three of those things together. This piece was done as part of the recurring 'Thematic Thursday' event as well; I'm not so much for camping, but I think it could possibly be fun in some circumstances. If you're feeling confused, I recommend that you look up these terms: "Frisky Alfresco", "Outside (George Michael song)", and "Zip Me Up Before You Go-Go". Please do leave a comment if you have any advice, comments, concerns, thoughts, or anything of the sort. And thanks very much for reading.
> 
> (I also should add a little note stating that I went ahead and revised this a bit after uploading it.)


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